Annoyingly, the Little Bastard is now making a giant nuisance of itself.

Until (very) recently constipation was just an annoyance. I’d have to wait two or three days to deliver anything at all, and then everything arrived at once in one very satisfactory contribution.

Now, it’s a real problem. The Little Bastard – unaffectionately known as Boris – has created a critical area of irritation and inflammation. Which has effectively blocked my back passage. And that’s only funny if it’s not happening to you

So yesterday I rang up my lovely Arse Angels to ask for their suggestions. And they duly obliged.

I already knew that at some point I’d need to go on a ‘low residue’ diet. Basically that’s a diet with little or no roughage. Because it’s the roughage that’s causing the blockage, and the irritation.

They suggested that I start right now. So that’s what I’m doing…

For someone like me, trained to maximise the fibre in my diet, it’s completely counter-intuitive. Most of the stuff I regard as ‘healthy’ is off the menu. We’ve been baking our own wholemeal bread for years. (Strictly speaking ‘we’ in this context means my wife. I just help get stuff in and out of the oven…) We have bran flakes, bran-rich muesli, porridge made with unmilled oats, and generous portions of fruit for breakfast. We use brown rice, quinoa, and as many grains and pulses as Rosemary can persuade me to eat.

All off the menu now…

Which means I’m about to chuck most of what I’ve learned from years at Slimming World – where I shed four and a half stone – out of the window.

No matter. I’m betting it’s possible to create a healthy, nutritious, non-fattening low residue diet. So here goes.

As always, I’ll keep you posted…